What has six legs...
is slimy...
and has a face under its feet? I give up.
You're supposed to think about it, not just give up.
Sorry.
OK, I thought about it, I give up.
Isn't it marvellous when you think that Old Mystery Trousers here
is of the same species as Albert Einstein?
I don't remember any Albert Einsteins. Maybe they moved.
Greatest brain of the century.
No question about it, they moved.
Who said he was the greatest brain?
Ask anybody. I'm askin' thee.
It's common knowledge.
Did they check everybody?
Did they go round saying,
"Let's see if you've got a bigger brain than Albert Hindsight."
Einstein.
Nobody checked on my brain.
My God, that was a loss to the scientific community, wasn't it?
Listen, if they missed me, they could've missed somebody
what had a bigger brain than Albert Hi-fi.
There could be some twit in Huddersfield who thinks he's stupid
because nobody's bothered to check...
to see if he's got a bigger brain than... Oh, shut up.
I wish I'd never mentioned him.
Just...just keep quiet.
Relax, enjoy the fresh air.
Somebody's always bragging that they've got something bigger than somebody else.
I remember Noddy Hargreaves at school.
He was always boasting that he had the biggest...
That was a different thing entirely.
That's certainly my recollection.
I wonder where old Noddy is now.
Wherever it is, I hope he's developed a few wider interests.
I'm sorry for all the interruptions, Clegg.
Would you repeat your riddle?
What has six legs, is slimy and has a face under its feet?
A face under its feet...
HE CHUCKLES No, that's a tricky one.
I give up.
How can you concentrate with Brain of Britain yammering in your ear?
What has two fingers
waving gently in thy direction?
You can put that away.
Sorry, but under these conditions, I have no option but to give up.
I must ask you to tell us what has six legs, is slimy and has a face under its feet?
I don't know, but you've got one crawling on your cap.
He was responsible for the Theory of Relativity.
Everyone's heard of Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
Ask him what it means, Norm.
You ask him.
I don't like to, I feel such a fool.
You think you don't understand the question?
You wait till you hear the answer!
Tell us then, Foggy... What is the Theory of Relativity?
Well, the Theory of Relativity?
Er...you...you mean...
Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Mmmm.
Er... Yes, well...
No, no... I think I'll start with simpler diagrams.
Simpler diagrams, Norm.
Yes, I think the simpler diagrams.
Yes, er...Pi R squared,
referred to by us mathematicians as 2 Pi R...
You must appreciate this is merely an approximation.
Oh, we do, we do. Oh, ho, ho!
Yes. Try to think of space as solid and perhaps a little warped.
Well...just look at this van, it's in appalling condition.
Somebody's not going to get very far with this.
I just had the same feeling about the Theory of Relativity.
I've seen things destroyed on a battlefield in better condition.
'Ey up, it's bombs away again.
Some of us had to do it.
Us? I thought it were only thee.
Hey, Norm, do you remember when Foggy recaptured Burma?
Was that the first time or the second time?
Either time! It weren't so clever.
You 'ad help.
And probably the biggest help we had out there
was the fact that you never left England.
I were guarding Gloria Cormby.
Somebody 'ad to do it.
She were a rare handful, were Gloria.
He's gone to wash his hands.
Anybody else walking first into a pub would go up to the bar and get 'em in.
He goes to wash his hands. Three pints, please, guv.
You've got to remember that he's trained
until he's in the peak of condition for washing his hands.
He's, er...
He's probably a black belt... at washing his hands.
One of the few Europeans...
to have perfected the art...
outside of Japan.
Look, why don't I get this round in, eh?
Oh, 'eck, I never thought you'd ask.
Hey, Norm!
That's Ludovic.
How's tha keepin', Ludovic?
It is... It's Ludovic. I thought I recognised the laugh.
Yer come to these out-of-the-way places
where you feel sure you'll not see anyone you know.
Listen, Ludovic, if tha's doing a bit on the side,
if tha's seeing a bird, we'll not say a word.
Ta.
That's what mates are for.
I'm not with a woman, or meeting one, I've never had another woman.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Ludovic.
No need to feel sorry, just make it clear to your audience.
Ah! It's all right, he's not seeing another woman, carry on drinking.
I wish it were that simple.
Oh, you got them in? I was going to get them in after I'd washed my hands.
Oh, dear!
Isn't it marvellous how he knows when he's safe?
He's out of the shelter faster than when they sound the All Clear.
Hey. Who does that remind you of?
Einstein? Eh? No?
Go on, who does he remind you of?
Ludovic, he looks just like him. You remember Ludovic.
It IS Luduvic, you daft pillock.
Is it? Oh, well, I didn't know that, did I? It's ages since I saw him.
Anyway, he's changed.
Look, if tha knows it's Ludovic, how could he have changed?
Well, I don't know really, he looks more...
Miserable?
Yes. Well, it's not like Ludovic. He was always such a...
Twit? Aside from that.
I wonder what his trouble is?
It's none of our business, is it?
True. Absolutely.
I mean...it's not for us to go poking our noses
into a fellow's private affairs.
No, no.
What's wrong? What's the matter? What's up?
Come on, man, get if off your chest.
Ay, tha'll feel better for it.
I don't want to talk about it.
Of course you want to talk about it.
No, I DON'T want to talk about it.
Tell us and WE'LL talk about it.
Don't take any notice of that, it's just his warped sense of fun.
Can't you see the man's tormented? He wants a sympathetic ear.
He wants the wisdom and experience of the combat soldier.
Now, Ludovic, you're not alone.
Former Corporal Dewhirst is at your service.
Bog off, Foggy!
He's got thee weighed up, Elsie!
The man has no sense of style.
Ahh...don't feel rejected Foggy, we'll stick by you.
And tell him why we'll stick by him.
'Cos it's his round next.
Y'know...
Y'know...I can't forget Raymond Holcroft.
He had a look just like that
the night before he went and did something desperate. How desperate?
He bought a boarding house in Mablethorpe.
Poor devil!
Ugh!
Cor, couldn't somebody tell him?
People tried.
You can't watch 'em 24 hours a day.
That's terrible, i'nt it?
Ludovic, if it's a boarding house, don't do it.
You what? More people have come unstuck buying boarding houses...
Oh, leave me alone.
It may look like an easy way out, but think of your relatives.
Me relatives?
They'll all be coming round, every summer, expecting free holidays.
Think of it, your relatives dropping in for a whole week.
Ludovic, before tha buys a boarding house, ring the Samaritans.
I don't want a flaming boarding house, what would I do with it?
I've got enough problems as it is.
Eh...you ain't got a bird in the family way, have yer?
No, I 'aven't.
Well, it's a start! Oops...
The man's drunk.
Only from the waist down.
How dare you say I'm drunk?
Steady, steady.
He's had too many too fast, that's his trouble.
If thee 'ad been buying 'em, that would have slowed 'im up.
Just keep him upright.
You go out for a quiet drink
and the next thing you know, you're struck by a falling Ludovic.
Me legs! I can't feel me legs...
Don't panic, they're still there.
Are you sure? 'Ave you counted them?
'Ow many is there supposed to be?
Stop asking tricky questions.
U-u-u-ugh.
Here you go, boy, here you go...
Come on, then, have you got yourself up?
Take it easy.
I'm all right. I'm all right, let go, I'm all right now. What?
Are you sure?
I'm sure I'm sure.
All right, all right. Anybody can make a mistake.
Sit him on the wall.
This'll do. Turn him round.
Come on...that's it.
All right, then, come on. I'll buy you the other half.
The other half?
Oh, dear!
Come on!
Is it Wednesday? Does it matter?
A-a-a-agh... Come on, then.
A-a-a-a-a-a-agh.
Up...up... Oh, he's heavy! I never liked Wednesdays.
I found a fungus on me dahlias...
That was on a Wednesday!
We've got to slide him across so that he's resting on his head.
You make it sound REALLY peaceful, Foggy...resting on his head!
What he means is, shove him over till his face is on the floor!
Just do it!
Last time I had a nose bleed... that was on a Wednesday!
Now we've got to twist him over till his back's against the wall instead of his stomach.
How are you doing? Never mind, just get on with it!
I bet it's a Wednesday. Just leave him there a minute.
Tha can't leave him like that!
Look, blood flowing to his head, oxygen flowing to his brain...
I know what I'm doing. We all know what tha's doing.
Tha's killing him.
He's perfectly all right. Ask him.
Shall I ask him, Norm?
It's always been a rule of mine never to speak to inverted drunks.
He'll not be inverted long, take his arms.
Take his arm, Norm, the Fuehrer has spoken.
HE GROANS LOUDLY
I'm not going home.
Now, lift him up. Gently, gently. You can't make me go home!
HE GRUNTS
It's simple, you see!
Now, he's back seated comfortably on the wall. Aye...
Facing the WRONG way! What does it matter which way?
Every man's...got a right...
not to go home...
..and I'll fight...any man... who says...
I HAVE to go home!
I can't go home, I can't go home.
Not after what I've done, I can't go home!
Whatever it is, she'll forgive you. She'll kill me!
Hey, Ludovic...if tha's not going home, where's tha going to go to?
Anywhere...
Mebbe... I could lumberjack in Canada.
Good idea, Ludovic.
It'll make a change from being a bingo caller.
I could learn, I could learn, and with a voice like mine,
think how I could shout... T-I-I-I-MBER!
It's the humiliation I can't face.
With a voice like that, you don't 'ave to be scared 'bout goin' home.
Ha-ha! You could go anywhere wi' that voice like that!
Hah! You think you're humiliated?
Imagine having to drive about in this moth-eaten contraption.
How do you think the owner of this scrap heap must feel? Ha-ha!
I AM the owner, you fool!
Why do you think I feel HUMILIATED? Get off! Stop it! Get off!
Like your van, Ludovic. It's a nice one, Ludovic.
Get him off me, get him off!
HE CRIES
I'll be a laughing stock!
People will come for miles around to laugh at me vehicle!
He let go just in time, you know.
Another few seconds and I would've had to start retaliating.
Just look at him, unaware of what a narrow squeak he's just had.
That's true, Norm, he's unaware of of the narrow squeak he's just had.
It takes years of training to remain passive under provocation.
Unless you marry a Yorkshire woman, then it can happen overnight!
I've sworn an oath, you see,
never to employ THIS merely for personal gain.
In the finest Bushido traditions, we lower his temperature a bit.
Leave it with me.
Now is the time for the Arts of Harmonious Co-existence.
WHY?
Why did it 'ave to 'appen to me?
I'd no intention of buying ANY such vehicle.
I was just passing a second-hand car showrooms.
"Come in and 'ave a drink," they said.
Calm yourself, Ludovic... begin with DEEP breaths.
Bog off with your deep breaths!
Yes, this could be difficult.
Now, if you see me adopting one of the killing postures...
..try to restrain me.
Oh, LOOK at it! Look at it!
Ludovic, on thy way to being a lumberjack in Canada...
could thou drop us off at the Post Office? You'd ride...
with me...in THIS?
Why not? It's better'n walking.
I'll not forget this! My feelings exactly.
Who's driving? I'M drivin'!
You can't walk! He doesn't have to, he's driving.
He's not driving ME!
I knew it! You're ashamed of it! You're ashamed to be seen in it!
No, it's not that. Be honest, it's partly that.
I'm not ashamed to be seen in it.
I can understand that.
The reason we won't drive with you is because you're...
Well, how shall I put this? ..smashed out of your tiny mind.
But to prove we're not ashamed to be seen in this...er...
..vehicle, until you're sober, Clegg will drive.
Me? Only you have a licence. Oh, that's a wicked thing to say!
Can he drive this sort of thing? Go on, tell him the truth.
Yes, of course he can drive this sort of thing!
I can't even open the door! You have to LIFT it off.
They're sealing me in.
In emergencies, you can escape by the other door.
No?
The window...almost any window.
What emergencies? Don't worry about that.
HE CHUCKLES
Hey, if you can't open the other door, how do WE get in?
By 'eck, this is better than walking.
He's all legs... I've never seen such legs!
They just keep comin'! Careful what you're pulling!
That's no place to handle a trained soldier!
Ugh...ow!
You're going too fast!
I'm only in third gear!
You sly little beggar! Who told you to move out of second?
I can't stay in second gear! You know I like second!
Well, come along that, man, get it started.
I knew he'd get me to do something tricky.
Just turn the key! What's he doing? What's he doing? He's starting it!
ENGINE STARTS
You see, the engine's sweet enough. It's just the body's a bit rough.
What's tha looking at me for?
Why's he lookin' at me when he says the body's a bit rough?
I don't find that unreasonable.
BANG! BANG!
We can't go now. Someone's shooting at us!
It's just a little exhaust gas.
Come back, that man! It'll stop banging as soon as you speed up!
Speed?! Nobody said anything about SPEED!
Just put it into gear and let's go!
SPLUTTERING, CRUNCHING OF GEARS
Oooh! I once had a boil in a place like that!
I don't like to be nosey... but has he driven before?
Of course he's driven before! He's just a bit rusty.
GEARS CRASHING It'll soon come back to him.
EXHAUST BANGS
Look at the view! I've looked at the view!
We've come all this way to look at the view, now LOOK AT THE VIEW!
Look...I'm looking at the view!
BANG!
Well, come on, put your foot down, open it up a bit!
Is that OPEN enough for you?
Me door! Me door!
Well, all right, we'll pick it up on the way back.
We can't stop, we've only just got him started.
Is tha going to let this bloke by? Bloke? What bloke?
I can't see any vehicle.
Oh, he's not in a vehicle, he's on foot. Hee-hee!
Suppose somebody... nicks me door?!
It's hardly likely, is it?
It's the kind of ratty old door that people could resist.
You miss it, though, don't you?
I can vouch for that!
We'll go on at this exhilarating speed for a time, then turn round.
Turn round, you mean I've got to turn round?
Good heavens, now what's wrong?
It's just the sneaky way you spring things on people!
Just drive it, you said, nobody said anything about turning round.
Hey, Ludovic, you'd better get this thing fixed. It moves!
It's supposed to move! You release this catch here
and this lot SPRINGS down
and divides the cab in two for privacy!
It's very ingenious, is this.
It's one of the factors which first predisposed me towards this vehicle.
I bet it don't work! He could be right.
He's a world-class expert when it comes to not working.
Bet it does work, this vehicle isn't all rubbish, you know!
I'm not a COMPLETE fool!
With a bit more practice, though, Ludovic, you'll be there in no time.
Hee-hee! Just mind yer 'ead, Clever Dick, and we'll have a try!
If we do it now, won't it clout us? Not if you get low enough down.
Where are you going? Just a minute.
Well, I don't mind people wincing at me drivin',
but hiding out of sight strikes me as tactless.
Right-o, Ludovic, let her go!
Agh!
Oh... Well done, Ludovic. I told you, I told you!
Ay...spot on, Ludo! Ha-ha!
An ejector seat...in a van! Well, that's a novelty.
It's one of the more attractive features of the vehicle.
It makes you feel completely self-contained.
HE SIGHS
Listen at you, you bored already?!
You are, admit it! You're bored already!
I wouldn't say bored. Not exactly bored.
Unless it's a pint, or a pigeon, you've no interest in anything!
If it hasn't got froth or feathers, you just don't want to know!
ENGINE RUMBLES
Have you seen a van?
But who's driving it?!
I am.
It works like a charm, Ludovic!
Yes...it's most impressive. And solid too. Well, fairly solid.
You all right in there, Clegg?
You're going faster now, I said you'd get the hang of it.
Hey, Norm, there's some idiot on a motorbike trying to pass us!
Ignore him, Clegg, pay no attention.
My God! Clegg...
There's your double riding pillion!
It's Nora - she's waving! Hee-hee! How do, Nora?!
It's quite amazing how much that looks like Clegg.
Norm...Norm... Say something, Norm.
NORM! NORM!
If he's not there...WHO is?
Get back in, come on, get back in, come closer!
O-o-oh!
Oh, Norm! Where are you, Norm?!
O-o-oohh!
Come back! NORA: Stop! Come back!
Stop, stop, will you stop, you stupid men?! Stop!
What are they doing in there? Ah, ah, ah...
Stop! Oh, really!